Today is Sunday, and while many go to church regularly or practice their own form of devotional and spiritualism today ( and many practice all week-long) I have not been doing this, and for this I am saddened. I know that I’ve lost a lot in my life, in the form of blessings, because I’ve allowed my faith and beliefs to be set on the back-burner. I know, and hear small whisperings, that it is wrong to allow this to happen. It’s never been my intention to do this and my friends regularly give me advice, as well as flat-out ordering me, to take some time off and go reconnect with myself and my beliefs.
I always plan to. I set out to do it, Then, I fail to follow through. This is my problem and I know it is, but things always tend to happen that to me take precedent, because I readily give of my own self and time to others without exception. I must work on this.
I also battle depression regularly. Maybe it’s due to my environment, circumstances, running myself thin taking care of people, or something just not being wired right. I know a little of it is because of a medical condition that affects multiple aspects of the body’s function, Hypothyroidism. My moods definitely change when my levels are off.
Anyway, today my brother brought the “Ensign“,a LDS magazine, for my mother to read a talk and he gave a lesson from Sunday School to her so that she wouldn’t miss out on it. My brother has been doing this for her for a bit and she greatly enjoys it. I’m glad that family has made sure that my mom doesn’t miss out on the little, and big, things that mean so much to her. It truly is a blessing for her.
Ok, I started rambling again, I tend to do that at times.
So I was there today while he gave the lesson, usually I’m not, and it struck a cord very deeply within me. The talk, lesson, was on depression and battling it. That while most people tend to hide it, it shouldn’t be. That we should address it as we would any other illness or affliction. Openly talk about it and seek help instead of hiding it away and attempting to deal with it ourselves.
( You can read or view the talk here -> “Like a Broken Vessel” By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland )
I do this so often. I’ve sunk very low a few times and felt that the world and my family would be better off if i was just gone. That financially it would be better for them if i was gone. That my eldest son would be better off and have a better life if I was just gone, at the time my youngest wasn’t even a twinkle in my eye. That I was just a burden.
After my first boyfriend dumped me, whom I was engaged to, back in 2001 I sought out ways to commit suicide. Not with a weapon or pills, but by jumping off an overpass onto and interstate. I figured if the fall didn’t kill me, a vehicle would. I would not have made it if not for two of my closest friends, Specks and Smalls. (I know, referencing “Sandlot” again.) Somehow these two always knew when I was going to try, and I did attempt to multiple times. I always tried while it was night, less chance of them stopping me right? Wrong. Smalls would be at work and leave to get Specks, whom was a at home with her family, sleeping. They always found me and brought me back, sat with me and made sure I wasn’t able to try again later that night.
Why didn’t I try during the day? Smalls had her kids too, plus I had more than just Smalls as a roommate. There was no chance of sneaking off like a thief in the night.
Why didn’t I try pills? I absolutely abhor pills. I have to force myself each day to take the medication that I do take daily. Remember, I have medical conditions, Hypothyroidism, Anemia, a genetic issue that makes my blood clot. All of these require pills daily. I hate them with a passion. No, ODing on pills will never be an issue for me. Plus they can pump your stomach, not worth it IMO.
Why not a weapon, like a gun or a knife? I have great, even massive, respect for guns. I was raised around them, I know what damage they can do. Plus, you could actually live through that, you’d just be a vegetable, found that out after working in psych unit. The point was to not be a burden on my family, just to be gone. I admit that at one time I did consider it, but I’ve never considered it again. I would never use a gun to commit a violent act upon a human, unless they were to threaten the life of someone I love. Knives? The likelihood of that working wasn’t great enough. Easily fixed and then I’d be in an institution. Still a burden and worse, still alive.
Hanging? Well I did consider that. when I was being bullied in high-school, but it’s hard to get it right. You could hurt yourself very badly and it takes a LONG time to work, unless you break the neck right off. Not worth it. The option for error is too great.
So, that left me with the option I chose, throwing myself off an over pass.
I blame divine intervention for it not working. There was no way possible that my friends could have known when I left, what location I chose, and they didn’t know I was even thinking of that as an option. Smalls just knew something was wrong. Specks woke up and was waiting for Smalls to pick her up. They just knew where I was. Thank you. I would have missed out on so much between then and now if I hadn’t lived.
I mentioned considering this while in HS. Actually it was middle-school when I did, and my mother pulled me out and home-schooled me. My principle was wonderful at the old school, he tried to make it work before I was pulled out. I had a safe-haven within his office at anytime, but it became apparent that I just couldn’t stay when my mother came home and I was preparing the bathroom so there wouldn’t be a lot of mess to clean up. I’d chosen a gun my first time. I didn’t have a different option at the time and I regret it deeply. My heart broke when my mother cried seeing just how far down into that chasm I’d fallen. I vowed I’d do anything she suggested at that time if it would just make her happy. I can’t stand seeing people I love cry, it breaks my heart each time.
I’ve considered suicide multiple times, set out to do it a couple of times and been stopped by friends or family. I’m still here and I’m not sure what the purpose is, but it must be a good one. Maybe it’s to help people somehow. I’ve a lot of experiences to share. My heart has been broken more times than I can count and only the parts that hold my children and family, i count my closest friends as family, are in-tact. The rest I figure is dust by now.
Anyway, I’ve dealt with depression a lot in my life. I know that I’m running myself down and that I’m not taking care of myself like I should now. I know that at some point my body will take the time itself to right that, but I hope it’s not anytime soon. I’ve got stuff I’ve got to do. I will make this change now though, I’ll try to let people know when I am getting down and when I do need help. I know I’ve got people I can fall back on and that they will catch me and help me deal with whatever life throws my way. I will survive, somehow.